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pika, 21 (KUL,MY) { }
#2 ; a sad dream
Sunday, May 17, 2015 ,6:09 PM (+ 0)
so yeah i had a dream yesterday. idk why am i having really sad dreams nowadays like please it doesnt help my mood at all. but first i just wanted to tell you guys that i have contributed a skin after a really looooong time. you can see it at the "labels" navigation and go to "templates" okay? okay. so lets start.

so the characters in my dream are my matric crush, his best friend, my roommates as my classmates & some of my ex-classmates as my classmates as well. and this dream took place in a school plus my matric college which kinda reminds me of my secondary school & my matric college of course but i strongly think it isnt because its like two places being combined together (my secondary school and my college) . so okay leggo

okay so me and one of my roommates were just chillin' somewhere in our school while studying. the place in my dream looks like our squasy court in matric college and okay we were sitting there talking to each other with lots of books infront of us, it was kinda messy id say. we were just chit chatting until my crush came by and gave me the sticky note i used to gave him and said "here. i want you to make a copy of this so i can keep it. you can keep this one" while giving me the sticky note and i was like okay then. and then all i knew was my roommate was calling him and they exchanged weird meaningful gazes and were sending secret messages to each other using their eyes and i was sitting there watching them with weird looks.

and then all i knew was the next day came and i decided to confess my feelings to him so i did and in that dream he had a girlfriend which i knew but didnt care and then we became a couple which was supported strongly by his best friend. and the next thing i knew was we were walking at like an assembly area and everyone was watching us from the corridors above and shouted things like to show that they support us. i tilted my head to look at the maybe 3rd floor of the building and to where my class was located and all i saw was my classmates (including my roommates) were clapping, cheering and smirking at me. i was embarrassed because we were like clinging into each others' arms and holding each others' hands like ew too much romance lol so i pulled him to the nearby corridor and said this to him "please stop hugging me or holding my hands or even clinging into my arms in public. i dont like it" . he then said okay. 

after a few mins all i knew was he said that he needed to go and i was like pulling his arms not wanting him to go but he said that he had to so i said this, " okay i understand. you can go " because in that dream i could only spend the whole day time with him because night time was like the time he spent with his girlfriend. and then he smiled and left me.

and again my dream was fast forwarded to the next day and i received a news maybe from his best friend i cant remember but he told me that my crush had another girl other than his girlfriend and cheated on me. so after that i was crying and i was mad and said something and the end. lol sad right? like okay in reality he really has a girlfriend and i still havent confessed my feelings to him and i dreamt this. like please dont make my life sadder and please dont remind me of my own sadness. but on the positive side i was curious of why did i dreamt about him because its been a long time since i last did and i thought to myself maybe its a sign that im going to meet him again someday soon because he lives not really far away from my place anyway. haha but okay im still sad though

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#1 ; spitting out
Saturday, May 16, 2015 ,1:04 AM (+ 0)

okay i am really spitting everything out. now is the time i let it all out. Okay so i got this one friend, my best friend. She was so close to me, until some of my friends even said that we looked like a couple (no okay im straight) we do everything together, go everywhere together and just about everything, we are always together. She once even said to me that i am one of the people whom she cherishes the most in matriculation life and you dont even know how touched i was for having someone to treasure me like a lot. Honestly i have never been so close and so clingy towards someone even my best friend who i started to be friends with since five years old. That is the reason why i was so touched. She knows almost all of my secrets really. I think she knows ALL of them tbvh.

I never opened myself so much to someone like i did to her. I never even tell my secrets to anyone in this whole wide world and no one knew who i really am like she does. She knows the real me and the bad things that i have did and everything. But i didnt see it coming. I didnt see that this was going to happen. She changed thats what i realized on this one not so fine day. She was so nice with words, so caring and name everything positive, she was once an angel i can say. I dont know what made her changed and its just really really sad and unbearable cuz i never had a friend like her. I cherished her so much that it got me broken. So all i knew was i broke down one day in our room, yes shes my roommate, infront of her but she didnt even asked and walked away. I was wailing and sobbing really really hard okay i swear i never cried so hard. So i called my parents and got comforted. My dad even said this to me, " I didnt know you have been keeping this since September, and all I see is that you guys are fine and so close that I have never seen you so close to someone like that before. " and then i sobbed and we talked and i went to sleep right after talking to my parents.

My parents knew her anyway because she came to my house once. Sigh. Okay continue. So she is close with one of her classmates now. And tbh im really really jealous seeing how close they are, yeah i cant stand seeing my best friend being close to another person. This once happened to me and syaff to but i got through it. But for her, i have never told her that i was jealous with everyone that is close with her because i dont want it to be mistook as something else. So i never tell her even until now that matriculation ended cuz i am too afraid. Sometimes i cant even stand myself for being so weak and all but i didnt asked to be born like this.

But anyway i once told her that i miss her, i miss us. I wrote a message so long but she only replied with something short and when i said i love her she didnt even reply. Sigh. But shes treating all her other close friends so differently, its unfair, im a human with feelings too. And i didnt see her putting any efforts at all to protect this friendship. Well yeah she dont show her feelings publicly but at least do something. Just by looking at all the pictures we took makes me sad af.  The videos of us singing and all. Have u forgotten? I dont see what i did wrong and all i knew was she changed. She just changed. Its not like i dont like changes or hate it but our friendship could have stayed forever if there were more efforts. I know we could have made it i just know. And its not even too late

She was the source to my happiness because we always do silly things together. I remember that we even once walked to a supermarket because we were bored waiting at the hospital so we walked outside although we shouldnt. And i still remember how afraid both of us were if we were to be caught but luckily we didnt. And no one knew we even did that because we keep it as a secret. Our little secret.

Little did u know that a lot of people asked about us, about you and why arent they seeing us as close as before and i honestly dont know what to say to them. Sometimes i think its all my fault, if i havent started this maybe we should just be okay but i was sensitive and i could detect even the smallest things that change around me okay. Now all of your words are like knives, yeah i dont mind sarcasm but you sounded like you really mean it although sometimes you dont. I wont forget the time you first shouted at me, did you know i was crying and pretending to sleep ? Because you have never shouted at me like that and not even talked rudely to me. Reading our old conversations, you were really... different.
I was touched when you texted me when i was sick. Honestly i was waiting for you to text me okay although i didnt tell you i was sick but suddenly you texted me a get well soon message and honestly i am so touched that you really cared for me.

Sorry if you think i forgot everything but i remember these ; you were so protective and never let other people got close to me and you suddenly stopped from doing that, you hate mango drinks, youre very picky, you dont like people touching your nose, you dont like being scolded, you have never watched movies in the cinema, you love the rain, you dont like mushrooms, you never went to a water park, you dont like to read long messages, you never liked your eyes cuz to you theyre small, you have a diary but you didnt let me read the ones you wrote using pen and more. it will take forever for me to list down all of them. I once told my mom how picky you are and i told her 'very' and she asked about the things you dont like and i told her all of them that i knew about at that time.

I remember the day i started considering that we are close is when you told me your biggest secret under the bridge or whatever it is called at pekan kuala pilah. I honestly didnt believe you would break it out to me because that means you have your trust in me and no one ever knew about it and it is still safe with me until now. I remember you once invited me to your home, i wanted to go there myself to meet barbara (though shes now...) cuz at that time she was still alive and you know how much i love animals. I remember us exchanging cute cat pictures on whatsapp and we chatted until 4am in the morning.

You used to call me everytime you found something interesting on twitter or other sites to show it to me but you suddenly stopped one day and started to show it to our other roommates instead of me. You dont know how sad i was at that time thinking that i am not needed anymore. We even once stayed up til' 3am in the morning at our hostel too and that day i knew one of your biggest secrets again and that secret is also still safe with me. You asked me to stay up with you so i can accompany you to do your homework and i did which resulted in both of us going to sleep at 3am in the morning.

I remember when we went to koperasi together almost everynight cuz we were bored to death. And hana asked us to buy her super rings so i did but i left it there so we need to go back to take it and thats when i first introduced you to my crush because he was there. I remember when you came back from classes you told me about you showing our picture to your classmates and they shipped us (i am straight okay) . I remember how excited you were to join my family on our zoo trip and i was too. We bought lots of couple things there cuz youre like my twin sister.

Our birthdays are even close and it is only 7 days apart. I remember how you like to come to my bed and played your phone there almost everyday and you did it everytime you got back from your classes you said that my place is like your place and again i was touched. But then one day you stopped and your reason was because of the slow internet connection. And i was sad hearing that little did u know? I remember how you asked me to give my phone to you like a child asking for a candy just to play pokemon on my phone. Do you know why i deleted it? Cuz i really thought you dont want to play it anymore and i was sad okay because you stopped asking permission to play that on my phone starting this one not so fine day.

I remember crying when i knew that the IPG result is coming out on the next day cuz i dont want you to go because we just got close to each other so i didnt want you to leave just yet and you didnt luckily. I remember coming in the room and greeted by your sticky that says 'i love you' and i was touched again. I remember us having each others twitters and we were always tweetjacking each other. I remember standing beside the cloth line with you outside and we were just standing there watching the night and confessed about our lifes then one of our friends came and asked what are we even doing and then we were just laughing it off and giving secretful smiles to her and to each other. Remember the movie tickets that i got for free and wanted to go with you ? We fought right after that, it was a really huge fight, the worst i guess. And i said i still wanted to give you that movie tickets because it was a promise afterall, but you didnt want and you asked me to watch with my sister instead. Fyi, i didnt used it okay and i just let the tickets go just like that because i really wanted to give you but you declined my offer so... I miss you. See, i never forget everything okay ? Okay maybe i should stop before i go overboard. Bye, good night.

Sorry for grammar error cuz im too lazy to check

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Day 7: Any Picture of Any Member You Love ;
Monday, April 30, 2012 ,9:44 PM (+ 0)

Hi-yeom. So that is a picture of Chanyeol, the member I love the most out of all EXO members. Done. I don't have much to say for day 7 so, I'll proceed to random story.

Random story:

I thought I was tougher than this, but I am absolutely wrong. Ahhh, kenapa semua ni kena jadi dekat aku ? Aku rasa aku tak boleh bawa benda ni. So the story was like this, dekat sekolah tadi time add maths. Semua orang tengah busy buat latihan add maths yang cikgu suruh buat as revision. Me and Anis were doing it peacefully when suddenly, ada orang ketuk pintu kelas kiteorang and nak jumpa dengan Anis.

Aku memang tak perasan siapa dia yang panggil so aku continue je dengan work aku. And 5 mins later, Anis still tak masuk kelas so aku pelik and pandang pintu but well, aku lupakan and teruskan buat homework aku. Tiba tiba anis datang dekat meja dia and dia tunjuk aku sijil. Aku pelik and curious. Then, aku ternampak SMS Selangor and I was like wtf.... Then dia cakap dia dapat. At first, aku mcm terdiam and speechless.

After some time, I can't resist my feelings anymore. Aku menangis depan semua classmate aku. Ohh now my one and only best friend is gonna leave me too. She's the only friend that I had and she'll be leaving me. Aku tak dapat tahan. Aku menangis seteruk teruknya. And Anis cakap dia nak balik time tu jugak. Lagi aku menangis. And dia macam pujuk pujuk aku. Then some of my classmates datang dekat dia and jumpa dengan aku then peluk aku. Ahh it doesn't makes me feel any better though. Aku pergi depan and peluk dia sambil nangis. Aishh, at first I thought that I will never cry. But, syaff dah tinggalkan aku, anis pon nak tinggalkan aku. heh, memang aku HAPPY sangat lah kan.

Then classmates aku tenangkan aku semua, but for what ? Aku rasa diorang buat tu tak ada kesan or motif pon. Sebab nanti I'm still all alone sebab aku memang pendiam depan classmates aku except for anis and syaff. So, meaning that lepas ni kau tahu lah aku akan jadi macam mana. Patut lah semalam aku tidur tak lena, and tak sedap je rasa hati aku. Aku resah satu hari semalam. Hmm kenapa semua kena jadi macam ni ? Aku mintak ayah aku buat rayuan sbp sebab aku apply sbp yang sama macam syaff tahun lepas. But dia taknak. He'll never understands me. Aku tak tahu apa akan jadi dekat aku lepas ni. Aku rasa life aku lifeless ni akan jadi lebih lifeless than ever. Walaupun 2 tahun, it's like thousand of years for me.

So, yeah. My high school is like the most shittest thing in my life. I hate going to high school. I hate my primary school and I hate my secondary school. Aku tak sabar nak habis sekolah and gets to college and stuffs. Hidup aku dekat sekolah memang tak akan pernah nak happy. Everyday I pray for a miracle to happen and everyday aku cakap dekat diri aku nothing is impossible. But after all of these, aku rasa yeah everyhing is impossible. I don't believe any of so called dreams come true. So, this is me in my hopeless life and hopeless world.
PS: Sorry I just want to let it all out because it kills me, diorang macam the precious gems ever for me. And diorang lah satu satunya kawan aku sebab aku memang jenis tak campur orang because of my past primary school stories which nobody knows.

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